An Interview with Sammy Laffowitz (aka “Heeb”)
1. Where are you from?
One of the most glamorous places on earth: the suburbs of Philadelphia.
2. Do you have any secrets? If so please share!
Don’t even go there. Zack already publicized WAY too many of my secrets — and it doesn’t get any more embarrassing than what he revealed (which is all over the Internet now). I mean, you’re interviewing me for God’s sake. How did that happen? Not because you can use my bald spot as a mirror to adjust your makeup. No, I’m getting my 15 minutes of unsolicited literary fame because of the epic disasters that have defined much of my life. Or more precisely, because Zack had the nerve to share those disasters with the whole world — and without even checking with me first. So no, I’m not sharing any more secrets. Sorry.
3. What wakes you up in the middle of the night screaming?
Recollections of a recent date.
4. Who stole your heart?
You mean, who HASN’T stolen my heart? Well, Yumi definitely stands out in the crowd. She stole my heart, cooked it, and then used it to play tennis with my ex-boss.
5. What makes you angry? What do you do to control your anger?
When all of these gorgeous women who catch my eye insist on focusing on my inner qualities, that really upsets me. Why can’t I get any of them to pay more attention to the fact that I’m a short, overweight, bald guy in his late 20s? For some reason, all they seem to care about is my great personality. Go figure. It infuriates me that I can’t get any beautiful woman to focus on my exterior.
As far as anger management, I find that ranting and raving is helpful. The louder and the more exasperated I allow myself to become, the more I feel like I’ve managed my anger. Binging on ice cream afterwards also helps.
6. Who do you call when you are in trouble?
Titus. He’s been through everything, so he knows. He just knows.
7. What lengths would you go to protect those that you love?
OK, you’re trying to turn me into some kind of studly alpha-male action-movie character. I’m not that guy. Sort of. There is a scene in which I put it all on the line for someone and become that studly alpha-male action-movie character. But that happens just once. And unfortunately, Zack won’t let me elaborate on that scene because he’s against spoilers. But I do have my moment of manly, heroic glory.
8. Tell us 5 really embarrassing facts about yourself…
This is like you trying to get me reveal secrets. Not going there. My whole life is an embarrassment — especially now that Zack has so kindly published the worst of it for public consumption and amusement.
9. What is the worst thing you have ever done whilst drunk?
I let a really cute bar girl crack open a raw egg on my bald spot in college. She requested the honor in the most irresistibly flirty way and being drunk only made it that much easier to oblige her. The egg yolk seeped into the sides of my ears, which was quite possibly the grossest and most humiliating thing I’d ever done to charm a woman. Little did I know how much worse things would get after college.
10. Have you ever killed anyone?
I try to keep a safe distance from people if it’s been more than an hour since I brushed my teeth.
11. Have you ever had an affair/cheated on your partner? If so who with and was the affair discovered?
Look, it’s hard enough for me to get one woman to fall in love with my short, bald, roundness. Now you want me to go out and find a second one? Why not a full harem, while we’re at it? What do you think I am, a Saudi sheik?
12. What is currently in your fridge/freezer right now?
Left-over Chinese take-out. Left-over matzoh ball soup. Milk for my Wheaties in the morning. But not much else — like most busy New York professionals, I mostly eat out.
13. What are your plans for the weekend?
Hopefully I can round up the posse for a night out in the city. We may also hit Central Park with our Afghan Hounds — those are always a big hit with the ladies.
14. What’s the last digit of Pi?
Are you trying to out-geek me? If you want to die trying to find it, let me know what you come up with (if I’m still alive then).