Happy Thank-You-for-Having-Sex-with-Dad-and-then-Raising-Me Day
Today is Mother’s Day. And in honor of this special occasion, I’m going to analyze just what this day is actually celebrating.
So first of all, let me say to all of the mothers out there: thanks for having sex with that guy whose sperm co-produced your child.
But, as we all know, childbearing sex is the easy (and fun) part.
The real heroism of good mothers is that — with such warm humor and love — they bear the consequences of that sex by raising the resulting child for about 18 years (and often while simultaneously putting up with the sperm donor).
That’s not to say that fathers can’t be heroic too. But today isn’t Father’s Day. And, let’s face it, even the heroic fathers aren’t schlepping around a fetus in their bodies for nine months. So, all else being equal, moms come out a bit more heroic in this comparison.
So, the next time you wish someone a “Happy Mother’s Day,” remember that you are really saying two things to that woman:
1) thank you for having sex with a man and maybe putting up with him afterwards (if you’re still together), AND
2) thank you for investing about 18 years of effort in raising the child that resulted from your sex with that man.
But it’s often weird and/or awkward for children to talk to their mothers about sex, which is why “Happy Mother’s Day” sounds far better.
So, Mom, if you’re reading this, I hope you skipped this entire article, down to this last line: “Happy Mother’s Day!”